For many parents the return to school in September, after the long summer holiday, gives them the chance to take stock and breathe a sigh of relief. When trying to co-parent, the school holidays can be difficult time to navigate particularly for working parents.
All good relationships whether in family settings, work or friendships rely on positive and effective communication. This is no different for co-parenting relationships. Most successful ones are usually founded on parents that can move from their partnership as a couple to co-parents whilst maintaining a civil and constructive means of communicating with each other about issues concerning their children.
For many though this can be easier said than done. I am sure most people if asked would agree to this in principle, but reality can sometimes be very different, especially when emotions are running high, and mistrust has entered the mix. Add in the pressure of trying to plan for holiday times, particularly special festive or cultural holidays, when there may be many other factors to consider, and it can seem like an impossible task.
Hopefully some or all the following tips will help those facing making these arrangements a little easier and help to build positive co-parenting relationships moving forward:
- Try to start the conversation around special times of the year as early as possible so that you are not feeling pressured to make decisions and all options can be carefully considered.
- Try to speak face to face rather than via text or email. It is very easy to misinterpret a well intentioned WhatsApp message, and therefore speaking directly can help to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.
- When speaking try and make time outside of the day-to-day hustle and bustle so that you are hopefully not interrupted or having to rush off to deal with other pressing issues. If possible, meet in a neutral, calm place free from distractions.
- Take time to consider the other parent’s point of view or proposals without dismissing them out of hand. Listen to their concerns and try to put yourself in their shoes when making decisions. Be considerate of each other’s feelings even if you feel at times they are at odds with your own.
- Maybe speak with the children together to establish their wishes and feelings around special times of the year. Be careful though that your children do not feel caught in the middle of your disagreements or made to take sides. Remember your children are a part of both of you and will most likely want to please you both.
It is always important to put the children at the heart of all your discussions with each other and make them your priority. The following advice from Resolution, the family lawyer’s association, can help to ensure that you focus on the children’s needs above your own:
- Conflict is the major cause of unhappiness and poor outcomes for children.
- Children need reassurance that their parents still love them.
- Children need reassurance that what has happened is not their fault.
- Children and young people need information about what is happening in their family – in ways they can understand – and without a blow by blow account of whose fault it is.
- Children don’t want to take sides – don’t make them.
- Children benefit from keeping contact with both parents – and their wider family.
- Children will tell both parents what they want to hear – opposing views are not uncommon.
- Children can cope with short term disruption in their lives – providing their parents continue to support them.
- Children cope best when they can go easily between their two homes.
- Children need their parents to make decisions.
Hopefully the above tips will help you to work together in a positive and civil way to ensure the best outcomes for your children. If you are struggling to have that conversation with the other parent, you may want to consider alternatives to direct conversation, such as family mediation or instructing a solicitor. If this is something you would like more information on, then please feel free to contact our Celia Christie at [email protected] or on 02476227741.
Celia Christie
Consultant Family Solicitor, Collaborative Lawyer and Family Mediator
18.09.24